When I think of blogging, I think of the teenage girls in movies from broken homes who share every thought as life throws every curve ball at them that you can imagine. I'm not like that. I think some things are not meant for others. I like the idea of letting my thoughts be heard, and perhaps been an insightful notion that brings about great ideas. But I don't want to lay my heart out when things aren't going that well. Which makes it difficult to have a blog about life, when life sucks. I have been a college graduate since May of this year. Which means that it has been over 6 months since I have been in school, which is great. School and I were no longer agreeing with each other, so I finished gracefully, and am glad to be done. Problem is, when life doesn't catch up with your plans. The hoped for expectation is that college will help you get a job, so what do you do when it doesn't? So far, one accounting recruiting season has passed, and I didn't even get a phone call about interviews. I have contacted an accounting temp service, where I have had one interview that didn't go anywhere. I want to work. I would like to have a job where I am at least having the opportunity to continue work experience on standard accounting software like QuickBooks, using Excel, etc. Something to show that I am not just sitting around, but I am making an effort.
It has been over a year since I had a job, because I quit my work study position at my school in order to finish strong in my last two semesters. I was beyond burnout with my job, and it was effecting me in the classroom. I know how to manage having more things to do than time to complete them. I was that student that always had 15-18 credits every term for 4 years. The overachiever. I graduated with two degrees and a minor in 4 years, and I still graduated with honors. I can handle busy. What I don't know how to handle, is time.
Everyday is like a free weekend, where I managed to get all my homework done and I can read a book. Which was ultimate freedom for the first month. Now, I am getting tired of just reading, and watching Netflix. I am tired of having no reason to get out of my pj's. I look at myself and I have no issue seeing why no one hired me, I wouldn't hire me right now. I currently, am going nowhere.
How do you get from point A to B? Because self motivation, is actually really difficult. When a task is delegated to you from a professor and you have a deadline, or multiple. Then you prioritize based on your strengths, how complicated the task, and how time consuming, as well as the allotted time. I never liked the idea of being a teacher's pet, but at the same time, I never wanted to be the student that disappointed them because they knew I could do better. What do you do, when there is no one to hold you accountable except for yourself?
On Tuesday, the 9th I got back my scores from the second CPA exam I have taken in the last 6 months. Two different subjects, both the same result. Fail. I failed. How do you look at yourself in the morning knowing you are a failure? I have never failed before. Convincing myself to schedule those tests again, to study my heart out until I KNOW I will pass because I have to, feels next to impossible. These exams are meant to be difficult, they are meant to make you question yourself. Do I really want to be a certified public accountant? And the answer is still YES! But 6 months without working, and studying full time isn't helping me. Having no reason to leave the same spot all day is driving me crazy. So the hope lies in multitasking. When I have something to do, when I have to prioritize my time, and get the most out of every minute, I do better. That is how I survived school. I need to find things to do with my day.
I want one of those to be a part time or even a full time job. And I am becoming very lax in what area that job is. I am resourceful, I can find transferable skills in practically any job. Since the accounting temp service hasn't had any real leads, I will start looking in retail. Customer service, the ability to talk with others is a valuable skill anywhere. I will begin revamping my resume, and submitting them wherever they are hiring, for temporary or permanent employment.
I have started working out again, that fills up an hour of my day, and makes me feel a sense of accomplished. Getting in good physical shape is important to me, and will make me feel better about myself. Keeping the motivation to keep it up, that is a struggle. Because changing your habits isn't an easy process. But I need to do something, and this is something I can do.
Along with those two things, I have a burning desire to start dancing again. It is something that I love and has always put a smile on my face. Even when making mistakes. It has been something that I have been able to laugh about and learn from. If income allows, I will begin taking Argentine Tango lessons again. Because, sometimes you need a reason to smile.
There are three things that I want, and in some senses really need to implement into my life so that I can feel like I am going somewhere. That I am still the successful, headed for great things, overachiever that I was in school. The one that even when things were difficult, and making me want to give up, rose from the ashes and continued on through the struggles.
The easy road isn't what defines you as a person. It is what you do when you fall that truly shows your worth. How you pick up the pieces, and find your way through the dark is what builds your character. I'm ready to grow as a person. I'm ready to move forward, and get myself out of the rubble that has buried me. I'm done feeling stagnant, it is time to start moving forward.
